Years ago, I used to watch General Hospital religiously. Not so much for the show itself, but for the ongoing war between Campbell’s soup and Progresso that raged every day during the commercial break. Basically, every commercial made it sound like you were some kind of moral degenerate if you ate the other company’s soup. I’m not sure who won the soup wars, but my suspicion is that they’re still raging to this very day. What follows is my response, which I wrote for the Madhouse Theater Winter Extravaganza. Feel free to film your own version and make yourself into the next YouTube sensation. Just promise me that when you’re YouTube-famous, you mention my name.
Two men are sitting at a table, a bowl of soup in front of each. Between lines of dialogue, they spoon soup into their mouths.
Progresso: Hi, I’m Progresso soup.
Campbell’s: And I’m Campbell’s.
Progresso: This holiday season, we’ve decided to set aside our differences …
Campbell’s: And simply agree that soup is good food.
Progresso: That soup is great food.
Campbell’s: Mmm, mmm, good.
Progresso: Mmm, mmm, better.
Campbell’s: Mmm, mmm, pretty freakin’ awesome.
Progresso: Mmm, mmm, I slept with your wife.
Campbell’s: Mmm, mmm… Wait a second. You what?
Progresso: I slept with your wife!
Campbell’s (lowering spoon, losing will to live): I… I don’t believe it.
(Enter Mrs. Campbell’s, carrying a pot of soup as Progresso continues to slurp away.)
Mrs. Campbell’s (spooning soup into her husband’s bowl): It’s true, honey. I slept with Progresso.
Progresso (appetite still hearty, slurping down his soup): Though I wouldn’t say we did much sleeping, if you know what I mean!
Campbell’s: My God. I… I…
Progresso (noticing that his bowl is empty): Hey, are you going to finish that?
Campbell’s: I… No… I… No.
Progresso (taking the bowl from Campbell’s): So from all of us here at Progresso….
Mrs. Campbell’s: And Campbell’s.
Progresso & Mrs. Campbell’s: Happy holidays to all!
Campbell’s: I think I’m going to be sick.