The dog keeps barking — or yipping, or maybe just squeaking at top volume — as Miranda says she thought I’d just come in the back door like everyone else does. The dog’s name is Mocha, and my guess is that he weighs about five pounds. Mike, it turns out, is in the shower, and there’s an array of costumery laid out in their upstairs hallway.
By now, I’m consciously running all of my “normal human behavior” scripts in an effort to seem like I have my act together and don’t mind for a second that this isn’t the day I had planned. I say things like “Thanks for having me over!” and “Gee, I haven’t been here in a while!” Then I squat to pet the dog and say, “Aren’t you a cute dog!” And then I go out on a limb: “Do you mind if I use your bathroom?”
For a brief moment I wonder if I should have said “restroom” instead of “bathroom,” but the issue is mooted when Miranda yells, “Mike! Marc has to pee!”
And Mike yells “God, Miranda!” as my brain lurches toward imminent meltdown at the prospect of being ushered into the bathroom where Mike is showering.
“There is another bathroom, right?” I ask.
“You don’t want to use that one,” Miranda says. “It’s a mess.”
“Not a problem.”
“It’s okay,” Miranda says, banging on the bathroom door. “Hurry up in there! Marc has to pee!”
By now I’m halfway down the stairs in search of the other bathroom, which turns out to be fine, largely due to the fact that nobody is showering in it.
When I return, Miranda has an outfit of Mike’s clothes laid out for me and is talking about makeup. She wants to glam me up, she says. Silver lipstick, blue eye shadow.
“I, um,” I say. “You know, maybe just the…”
I point to a black blazer with red stripes.
Perhaps sensing my trepidation, Miranda relents on the issue of the makeup but insists that I wear a skinny red-and-black bow-tie.
“But I’m not wearing a collar,” I say. “Won’t that look funny?”
“No,” Miranda says as if to tell me to get over it. “It’ll look punk. Very eighties.”
At this point, Mike is still in the shower, so Miranda suggests that we go out and shoot some footage in a nearby cemetery.
Because, you know, why not?